When I was young it seemed most things were either black or they were white. Gradually, over time, I see that most things are gray and my involvement in them or attachment to them is more of a neutral commitment. That probably includes husbands. I was recently told to ‘own’ the fact that I’ve had four former husbands. I hadn’t really thought of owning that bit of my personal history, but rather looked upon it as a rubbish pile of failures, of interludes of happiness, moments of staggering insight and pure escape creating a monumental heap of life experience. And so it continues.
holding your breath above water and breathing underwater
August 7, 2011
Sometimes we need to learn how to hold our breath while sucking in the rarified air of our lives. There are times when it’s more difficult than others, for instance that first day of school. Remember back then when you walked up the stairs into the hallway of your first school experience? The teacher in the classroom addresses you in front of the class so that they all know your name. You look at the other kids in the class and wonder about so many different faces, some friendly looking, others disdaining, and even others looking out the window without acknowledging your existence. You tend to hold your breath here because you sense your life is about to change.
Or, perhaps you are immersed in an advanced class on literary authors. You explore the politics of the time, the loves of your favorite author, his habits and tastes in food, the contemporaries who adored or hated him. Inhaling while underwater, not understanding all the complexities yet drawn to their intricacies and impact on this author’s history and writing style. You are dabbing at the crumbs resting on the bottom, plucking them from that coral ledge, gulping, ingesting and spitting out your own literate thoughts hoping to break through the surface, hoping to rise to bridge the gulf between what is and what could be.
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